To learn more about polyamory and what it can teach us about love, I spoke with local therapist Lindsay Hayes, who specializes in working with individuals and couples in nontraditional relationship structures, and who has been in an open marriage herself for over a decade. According to Hayes, non-monogamy isn’t about collecting partners or rejecting commitment, it’s about reimagining relationships with intention, flexibility and communication.
"One of the biggest misconceptions about nonmonogamy is that it's all about fun and sex," Hayes candidly shares. "Think about how much work monogamous relationships are; non-monogamous relationships are that and more."
That extra effort, however, often yields deeper self-awareness, stronger communication skills, and a more expansive view of love. Here are five lessons I took away from our conversation.
“Love isn’t limited, but time and energy are.”
In polyamory, “love is abundant” is a common refrain, but that doesn’t mean it’s effortless.“You can love multiple people deeply, but you still only have seven days in the week…There are lots of jokes in the nonmonogamy community, especially in the polyamory community, about how important Google Calendar is,” Hayes says with a laugh.
That time commitment is not unlike the demands of parenting, caretaking or close-knit families – just with a romantic twist. Managing multiple romantic connections means coordinating calendars, honoring each partner’s emotional needs, and being mindful about how you spend your energy.
“In the community, we often talk about something called NRE, or 'new relationship energy.' It’s that spark you feel at the beginning of a new relationship, and it can be quite intoxicating,” Hayes shares. “In that intoxication, it's easy to accidentally not spend quite as much time and attention on your longer-standing partner.”
According to Hayes, long-term partners who find themselves in an NRE situation will give their significant other a little space for a month or two, trusting that once the initial novelty fades, the relationship will find its balance again. It’s a practice rooted in patience and genuine happiness that a loved one has found a meaningful new connection.
Which leads me into my next takeaway…
“Jealousy is information, just like any other emotion.”
I’ve always wondered how people in open relationships don’t get jealous. One of the most illuminating takeaways from my conversation with Hayes is that they do, they just develop healthy tools to deal with it.“There are a few folks out there who don't feel a lot of jealousy, but many of us do,” Hayes says. “What we often teach folks is that, like any emotion, it's information. So, rather than running away from it or guarding against it, try sitting with it and saying, ‘Why, specifically, am I feeling jealous, and what can I do to address that?’”
Instead of suppressing difficult feelings, polyamorous folks often learn to name them, explore them and talk through them directly. That emotional self-awareness, and the communication that follows, can be just as useful in monogamous relationships.
“Unfortunately, we’re not taught these skills in school, so many of us grow up trying to avoid difficult emotions, which doesn’t tend to work well in the long run,” Hayes continues.
“Being able to have vulnerable conversations is key.”
Every question I asked about how polyamorous people “make it work” circled back to communication. Hard conversations happen early and often, whether it’s about boundaries, needs, fears, or expectations. And when things get tough, they don’t assume that discomfort is a sign of failure. Instead, they dig in and talk it through.“Most people have to develop those emotional skills, and honestly, that’s true for monogamous couples as well. As a therapist, I’ve worked with many monogamous partners who are also learning how to manage emotions, communicate clearly, and navigate conflict,” Hayes expresses.
In the non-monogamous community, people often take the time to build those tools, whether it’s by listening to podcasts, reading books about non-monogamy and polyamory, working with a therapist, or talking with experienced friends. These skills are developed over time, and there’s often a lot of personal growth that happens when someone chooses to explore non-monogamy.
"There's not one right way to do relationships."
Non-monogamy is a spectrum that ranges from swingers, to people with long-distance hall pass agreements, and those in deeply integrated romantic polycules (a network of individuals connected through shared partners). Some practice kitchen table polyamory (think: multiple partners gathering like family), while others prefer parallel poly, where metamours (your partner’s partner) might never meet.Then there’s relationship anarchy, which removes hierarchy from all relationships – romantic, platonic, or otherwise. In that view, a best friend might hold as much emotional weight as a spouse.
The throughline in all these relationship structures, though, is consent.
"Non-monogamy is not the same as cheating. It's done where everybody is aware. You know your significant other is dating someone else, there's no lying or secrecy happening,” Hayes explains.
For some, non-monogamy feels innate, something they’ve known was right for them from a young age or modeled by non-monogamous parents. Others discover it later in life after years of assuming monogamy was the only option.
"A polycule can also just be a supportive network of people, so it's a way to have a sense of community that the nuclear family doesn't necessarily foster," Hayes explains. "I do think there's a sense of seeking of community that we've in many ways lost as a culture, and I know for some people that's a lot of the appeal."
“Nonmonogamy is a lot more common than people think.”
In fact, polyamory is about as common as cat ownership. According to a 2021 Kinsey Institute study, one in six Americans are seeking polyamorous relationships – roughly the same number as those with feline companions. Meow!Denver has quietly become a hub for non-monogamous folks, with regular meetups, discussion groups, and now, events tied to Non-monogamy Visibility Week. But some may feel the need to practice in secret due to stigma.
The truth of the matter is, many people still face bias from family, friends or employers, which can make it difficult to be open. That might mean, for instance, not being able to bring multiple partners home for the holidays, even if all relationships are loving and committed.
Legally, non-monogamous families can face additional barriers. A triad raising a child, for example, may only be able to list two parents on a birth certificate. Or a quad might struggle to buy a house together, since mortgages aren’t typically designed to accommodate more than two co-owners. Some choose to form LLCs or hire lawyers to create custom agreements, steps that monogamous couples rarely have to consider.
Some individuals even question whether something is 'wrong' with them for wanting a different kind of relationship, especially in a culture that idealizes the idea of one true love.
“Non-monogamy isn’t some stupid, crazy idea. Lots of folks do it,” Hayes emphasizes. “The more of us that are out, the more we can help reduce stigma, which is why Non-monogamy Visibility Week is important. You might be surprised at how many people are practicing open relationships.”
Looking to get involved? Or just curious about opening up your relationship? Below is a list of events happening around Denver and Boulder during Non-Monogamy Visibility Week:
Boulder Polyamory Meetup
Monday, July 7, 7-10 p.m.
Great Scotts Eatery, 1295 Cortez Street
Head to the northwestern edge of Denver (yes, Denver) to discuss alternative relationship styles. Social time follows the conversation. Sign up here.
Denver Metro Polyamory Group
Tuesday, July 8, 6-8 p.m.
Darcy's Bistro and Pub, 4955 South Ulster Street #103
Have dinner and a discussion with the Denver Metro Polyamory Group. Request to join the group here.
Polyamory Picnic
Saturday, July 12, 2-5 p.m.
Sloan's Lake North Playground, 4410 West 26th Avenue
Go to Sloan's Lake for a family-friendly summer hangout at Sloans Lake, including games, snacks and more. Bring friends and a blanket. Sign up for the free event here.
