We all pine for simpler days, like those in high school when our only real worries were what to wear, who was engaging in heavy petting with whom (or, better yet, actually doing the deed), who you were going to stuff in his locker that day, when you were going…
Planning a wedding is a big job for a bride and her family. They have to decide on the service, the flowers, the wedding-party members, the date, the reception hall, the menu, the availability of alcohol, the invitations, the tuxedos, the bridesmaid dresses that will never be worn again, the…
We here at the Institute of Drinking Studies got into journalism for the same reason as Woodward and Bernstein, George Will and Woody Paige: to get girls. We’re still big fans of hard-hitting reportage, and when we see something like the piece 20/20 did a while back — an entire…
We here at the Institute of Drinking Studies have determined that good bars are more a state of mind than a physical place. Good bars share similar attributes: not just plentiful booze, but an atmosphere that suits your mood and purpose on a particular night. If you’re looking for serious…
There are signs I may be getting old — although I like to attribute them to things like global warming and international terrorism. Gray hairs pop up in odd places; I spend as much time peeing as I do drinking beer; hangovers last at least 48 hours; and I haven’t…
You should never have to wait for some things: for sex in a pornographic film claiming to have a plot and “acting”; for beer in a bar; for red lights; for people to move out of the left lane on the highway; for delivered pizza; for the football season to…
Make no mistake: To drink at Institute levels without being arrested or causing harm to yourself, others or international relations, you must train. I am not going to reveal our official regimen here, but suffice it to say that unaccomplished drinkers need to know their limits. This job is not…
Corporate America seems intent on demeaning society. I discovered this recently while paging through Cosmo to a) find out what a pig I am, b) see guy “sex secrets” revealed to women who must have been raised in a convent or closet, and c) reaffirm that women, despite their protestations…
It’s that bittersweet time of year when we must say goodbye to certain members of the Institute of Drinking Studies as they move on to greater responsibility, more disposable income and, with any luck, more time between binge-drinking bouts. While their departures sadden those of us who remain at the…
Numerous traits separate the men from the guys. Men come up with sensitive gifts to present their dates, surreptitiously hoping to buy a night in their company. Guys look on such behavior as brown-nosing; a guy’s date is lucky if he shows up on time and dressed appropriately. Men drink…
On a midweek foray to the Atomic Cowboy (3235 East Colfax Avenue), I quickly ingratiated myself with one of the waitresses and got some background on the joint — because that’s the kind of Woodward-and-Bernstein journalist I am. “Why is it called the Atomic Cowboy?” I asked. “I don’t know,”…
It had been a long week, and by Friday, several members of the Institute of Drinking Studies were looking forward to what would prove a cataclysmic night in the Vortex. As if reading our collective mood, Mother Nature had crowded the western skies with ominous thunderheads by the time JP…
Before we went to see the latest Star Wars installment last Sunday, we held our own geek convention at Benny’s Restaurant (301 East Seventh Avenue). For those unfortunate people forced to overhear our conversation, which degenerated into fisticuffs every two seconds, there’s probably little doubt that most of us played…
The Institute of Drinking Studies would like to congratulate Westword on the best cover we’ve seen since we started dragging down the collective IQ of Denver. We’re referring, of course, to the May 19 issue featuring the backside of (we sure as hell hope) a young lady. This visual appealed…
It’s bad enough when a few members of the Institute of Drinking Studies get together — fewer than five representatives is known as a “troubling” — but when you have the executive council and fifteen potential members, things quickly get out of hand. This is known as a “disaster.” By…
The telltale signs are back: big, formal envelopes in mailboxes and big, blank stares on women carrying bridal magazines that have more pages than War and Peace. As every guy in a relationship more than two hours old can tell you, these signs indicate that the 2005 wedding season is…
America took a step past the point of no return in 1968, when it began airing personal-hygiene product commercials on TV. Suddenly we were bombarded with televised cures for hemorrhoids, explosive diarrhea, feminine odor, infections of various etiologies, PMS (although I understand this is not a real phenomenon, and in…
From the thirteenth through the sixteenth century, the monarchs of England and Scotland held sway over their respective lands — but in the hill country between, the Border Reivers ruled. These tribal landlords shifted allegiances among a whirlwind of blackmail, robbery, kidnapping and murder. Perhaps cooler heads would have prevailed…
Renewal is sweeping Cherry Creek, and I highly recommend that you check it out. Of course, you may not be able to do so, because the wait for valet parking clogs up traffic for a mile around. If you do actually make it to the corner of Second Avenue and…
Families are odd things. You grow up together, then once you develop judgment, you realize that you hate these people because they tortured you by running away while you were stuck on crutches and couldn’t catch them — when they were the parties responsible for putting you on crutches in…
Nobody likes to admit defeat — especially not a member of the Institute of Drinking Studies. We pride ourselves on being able to enjoy any bar, no matter if it suffers from watered-down drinks, pea-soup-thick smoke, snobby patrons or slow service. Our antics are usually enough to guarantee our happiness,…
Technology is a wonderful thing, as you guys who have seen TV’s greatest commercial or whose girlfriends get the Victoria’s Secret catalogue already know. The new Body by Victoria IPEX brassiere is touted as “the world’s most advanced bra” — and by “advanced,” they mean “making the average-looking bosom seem…
