Will Someone Please Take This Man's Bong?

Westword

Audio By Carbonatix

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Dear Stoner: I have a solid glass bong. It's fully clean, has a heavy base and would be an excellent piece for a daily weed smoker — only I don't smoke weed anymore, and don't know how to sell or give this thing away without venturing into places I don't want to go. Could you help me out?
Phil Anthropist

Dear Phil: Someone's dealing with tamed-animal problems. "Phil used to rip bongs, play Nintendo and party like there was no tomorrow...but then he got married, had kids and moved to the suburbs, and he now finds himself throwing out the last vestiges of bachelorhood — only Phil's no longer cool enough to know how to do that, either."

Pitiful, Phil. Absolutely pitiful.

Or maybe you just quit smoking and got a job. In that case, good for you.

click to enlarge

Jacqueline Collins

 You could be like one reader who's set on making his bong a family heirloom, but the most effective route is probably a "Free Bong" post on Facebook, Reddit or Craigslist, and then coordinating a drop-off point for whoever proves they're 21 the fastest. Or send us your info, and we'll do it for you. At the very least, I'll make sure it has a good home on my coffee table before accidentally breaking it within six months.

Send questions to [email protected].