Penis-size map: Coloradans' units may be small -- but not compared to the Chinese!

Penis size matters -- at least judging by the amount of time we spend obsessing about it. Which is why we were thrilled to check out the Penis Size Worldwide Map on view below. Or at least we were until we found out how the United States stacked up --...

By Michael Roberts

March 25, 2011

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Penis size matters -- at least judging by the amount of time we spend obsessing about it. Which is why we were thrilled to check out the Penis Size Worldwide Map on view below. Or at least we were until we found out how the United States stacked up -- especially in light of a survey showing that Colorado doesn't measure up very well compared to our fellow states.

Last year, the evil bastards at Condomania released a report intended to determine the states whose dudes had the biggest shlongs. And Colorado came in 40th!

Seriously. States a lot smaller than ours -- even Rhode Island! -- were far higher on the dick-size roster than we were. And while it's nice to know we outdistanced Utah and Wyoming, well, it certainly made talking to guys from size-leader New Hampshire more than a little awkward.

There's no redemption globally, either. The average U.S. dick is listed at 5.1 inches, or 12.9 centimeters -- that bigger digit is a real argument in favor of the metric system, isn't it? Unfortunately, that puts us in the second-lowest of five divisions, a helluva long way shy of Congo (7.1 inches, 17.93 centimeters), as well as Sudan (6.4 inches, 16.47 centimeters), Mexico (6.2 inches, 15.1 centimeters), Ukraine (5.5 inches, 13.97 centimeters) and, well, most of the rest of the globe.

Thank goodness for China (4.3 inches, 10.89 centimeters). We'll be traveling there to take a public shower very soon.

Get the bad news yourself here. To enlarge the map, just poke at it -- just like you do with a penis! Except this time, use your cursor.

Bad news, right? But the cartographers put it into perspective. The map viewer contains the following message: "Think we invest 5 times more in research on penis enlargement and breast size increase than in Alzheimer's. This means that we will all be gorgeous, but we won't remember what we used it for."

That's the long and the short of it.

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Michael Roberts began his career with Westword in 1990 as music editor. In 1999, he took on a new role, full-time media reporter, as author of a column called The Message. In 2008, he became the lead writer for Westword's news blog, The Latest Word, a position he held until January 2023. Michael continues to freelance for Westword, covering everything from business to sports and the media; he also contributes to Jazziz, a national music magazine. He holds a bachelor's degree from what is now Colorado Mesa University and master's degrees from the University of California, Los Angeles, and Northwestern University.

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