When the brave gentlemen of Denver Men with Heart get up on the podium tonight to have their "services" auctioned off to the highest bidder for the benefit of the Denver Center for Crime Victims, they'll already know what services they're going to provide. These men are florists, computer repairmen, guitar teachers. They're professionals.
But however nice it may be to have a guy fix your sink and put together a nice bouquet, that's not what you really want, is it? You may not find any man tonight who's auctioning these off, but here are the services these guys should be providing.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Westword's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Denver's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Will pretend to be sincerely interested when you take sides on conflicts in Keeping up with the Kardashians episodes he's never seen. "OMG," you will say. "Could you believe it when Kris was totally flirting with Storm? Right in front of Bruce, even?" "No," he will reply. "I could not believe it."
Will go to the store with you when you buy a pregnancy test You're a strong, empowered woman. You can do whatever you want, and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And yet... and yet it just kind of bugs you when that little shit at the register eyeballs you like that. You'd just feel better if you had a guy with you, alright? It's not your fault our society is still primitively clinging to an oppressive, outmoded values-system.
Will stop trying to solve your problems when you just want someone to understand You had a rough day at work. Your boss sucks, Jenny in accounting made several passive-aggressive remarks about your shoes and that creepy new VP kept looking at your boobs while you were making copies. That's just the way it is. There is no idea any dude, no matter how well meaning, could come up with to solve these problems. This guy will not try to solve them. He will just listen, really listen.
Will fold his laundry the first time you ask He may not actually have any laundry at your house, but if he did, he would definitely pick it up before you had to ask him again.
Will not go out looking like that Socks with sandals? He'd never even consider it.