This is the third year in a row that we've offered Denver some resolution ideas, and looking over our pasts lists, we've noticed that the more things change, the more they stay the same. We could rail on again about affordable housing, but we’ll spare you that.
So here are some brand-spanking-new resolutions for the Queen City of the Plains, just in time for 2019. Here’s to better times ahead, Denver, with hopes that are a mile high.
1. Put Chipotle Behind Us
We are not loyal to those who are not loyal to us. So goodbye, Chipotle. We had a good run…until you up and moved your headquarters to California. Now you’re out there, forgetting your Colorado roots, hopped up on sunscreen fumes and sea-level oxygen. We'll miss your cilantro lime rice and the juicy carnitas and…no. Forget it. We won’t even talk about you and your deliciousness anymore. Good luck out on the coast, where naked burrito bowls like you are a dime a dozen. Hey, Illegal Pete’s: You’re looking extra-spicy these days.
2. Abandon the Olympics Once and for All
Now that we’re out of the running to host the Winter Olympics again…let’s stay out of the running for good. The Olympics are great, and with all the training facilities in the state, Colorado will always have a strong connection to the Games. But hosting? Let’s stop pretending that’s going to — or even should — happen.
3. Support the Classic Spots
Denver has lost too many of its old places over the years, from dive bars like Roslyn’s to diners like the White Spot. This past year was no different: Phil’s Place, El Charrito and Hangar Bar poured their last beers (at least for now; Hangar’s owner is fighting the city to re-open after it was forced to close because it was deemed a "public nuisance”). And Denver lost some of its food and drink heart when 2018 took away the Wazee Supper Club, Mataam Fez, Old Spaghetti Factory, Paramount Cafe, Govnr’s Park, Marlowe’s and White Fence Farm, to name a few.
4. Join Up With the Nazi Crackdown
Streets of London recently announced it will physically oust Proud Boys, Nazis and “racists, bigots, misogynists, or apologists for that kind of shit,” whom the new owners “fucking hate,” per the bar's statement on Facebook. And, really, shouldn’t this be everyone’s rule? Because if it’s not, the Greatest Generation will almost certainly show up and kick your ass.
5. Encourage Walker Stapleton to Fade Into Obscurity
Where might one start with all the unnecessary drama surrounding former Colorado Treasurer Walker Stapleton and his unsuccessful run for the governor’s seat? With his fraudulent signatures debacle, which very nearly got him disqualified from the race entirely? His poor choices in attack ads, which were consistently and vociferously debunked by local news? His inability to meet state-mandated deadlines to name a running mate? His accusations that his nannies stole hair ribbons and underpants? It almost makes one wish for a simple problem like a famous racist great-grandfather with strong ties to the Ku Klux Klan. Almost.
6. When It Comes to the Homeless, Find Solutions Other Than Sweeps
Denver is a city of contradictions. On the one hand, documentaries are made about local efforts to build tiny home villages to tackle homelessness. And on the other, the city is paying out hundreds of thousands of tax dollars to facilitate “sweeps” of homeless encampments. To put it simply: If we have $400,000 to spend on rousting people over and over again, we have $400,000 to spend on something with a more lasting impact.
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7. Keep an Eye on RTD
The Regional Transportation District had yet another rough year in 2018. The G line still isn’t open, plagued by a years-long delay that's partly the result of ongoing issues with the A Line — the vaunted “Train to the Plane” that is still plagued with the same signal problems that forced RTD to hire human flaggers as a stop-gap measure. Then came the time RTD asked riders how much they’d pay to ride RTD, which ended up being a clumsy if well-meaning way to raise fares with community input. And then — insult to injury? — it took the doors off some toilet stalls at Union Station because of excessive drug use. What’s next for RTD? We shudder to think about it, but Denver should be watching.
8. More Marijuana in 2019
You always need one resolution that’s easy to keep. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.