While Boebert initially tried to pass off her ejection by blaming it on “laughing and singing too much” and enlisted a staffer to blame the offended for misinterpreting the events, her actual inconsiderate toxicity was being revealed in spits and spurts...and damning security footage. While Boebert denied that she'd vaped, the pregnant woman who'd complained about the illegal activity came forward, and video backed her up. More video revealed that Boebert and her Aspen-businessman date were engaged in some heavy petting before the family-friendly show.
We’re tempted to invoke the classic quote from the movie Arthur in which the late, great John Gielgud intoned, “Normally, one would have to go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.” But that would be insulting to bowling alleys, including the one where Boebert's then-soon-to-be husband, Jayson, was cited for displaying his genitalia to underage girls.
Boebert’s apology blames some of the incident on the awfulness of her recent split from Jayson. “There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce,” she said in a statement to which many of us can relate, but that still has no bearing whatsoever on Boebert's performance at the theater — except perhaps to admit that she’s not in a state of mind to be in public, which means this is just one more way she lacks the capacity to serve the people of CD3 in the U.S. House of Representatives.
Anyone who’s ever encountered a teenager — or hell, been one themselves — will recognize what Boebert is attempting here. It’s the boilerplate response to getting in trouble — or rather, trying to get out of it. First, deny it happened. If that doesn’t work, try to explain that it wasn’t what the evidence at hand would suggest (or outright prove). Failing that, try to laugh it off. And then, when backed into a corner, apologize in such a way that ameliorates actual responsibility for the incident, labeling it as a rare error in judgment instead of part of an ongoing campaign of irresponsible self-gratification at the expense of all else.
Since such incidents are unlikely to stop, we've come up with a handy, Mad Lib-style template to make the inevitable apologies a little faster...and seemingly as sincere as the one Boebert just issued:
Dear Colorado Constituents:
These past few days have been ______ [negative adjective] and ______[adjective suggesting humility], and I wanted to apologize to _______ [person or group offended] for any offense they — and you, my_____ [positive adjective] friends — may have taken due to my actions. I’m truly sorry for the unwanted attention my _____ [vague noun suggesting but not admitting to specific incident] has brought to our community. While none of my actions or words were meant to be _____ [negative adjective] or to cause _____ [vague noun referring to supposedly negative effect on whatever crybaby is upset], the reality is they did, and I regret that.
Furthermore, I want to publicly say that my ______ [specific staff aide is being thrown under the bus] didn’t misspeak when [pronoun, but not the they/them kind] defended my actions. Whether it was the ____ [positive emotional state] of ____ [positive event in or around the incident] or _____ [negative emotional state] of _____ [negative event either undefined or unprovable], I genuinely did not recall _____ [unethical/amoral act] when I discussed the events in question with my campaign team. While it was not our intention to mislead, we do understand how such a misunderstanding might look.
I’m so grateful for the uncountable supporters out there, many of whom have also gone through _____ [sympathetic personal challenge] as I have. As so many of you have shared with me, there’s no one best way to handle ____ [more detailed sympathetic personal challenge], but I appreciate your wish for _____ [positive and barely related personal trait] on my behalf. I’m blessed to have such a ______ [positive trait suggesting absolution] constituency.
I am committed to winning back your trust, _____ [name of offended group or whatever], and I’m not just saying that. _____ [yearbook-style sign-off],
Lauren BoebertU.S. Representative, Colorado 3rd
