Commentary

New Nicknames for Lauren Boebert, More Colorado Politicians

Lauren Boebert, clad in a "Let's Go Brandon" dress, and Dave Williams posing with former President Donald Trump.
Lauren Boebert, clad in a "Let's Go Brandon" dress, and Dave Williams posing with former President Donald Trump. Lauren Boebert Twitter/Dave Williams Twitter
On April 18, Dave Williams, who's running for U.S. Representative in the 5th Congressional District, filed a lawsuit against Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold for nixing a request for his name to appear on the June primary ballot as Dave "Let's Go Brandon" Williams.

In the complaint, Williams points to a clause in Colorado Revised Statues 1-5-407(4) that states: "Each candidate's name may include one nickname, if the candidate regularly uses the nickname and the nickname does not include any part of a political party name."

Given that the "Let's Go Brandon" phrase has only existed as an anti-Joe Biden slap since last October, and Williams, currently a state rep, has adopted it to let potential voters on the farthest right fringe of the Republican Party know that he's a lot more on their wavelength than is incumbent Doug Lamborn, there's a good chance the filing will be eye-rolled out of court soon. But in case it's not, we've come up with equally appropriate nicknames for nine more Colorado politicians, including Griswold, Lamborn and Lauren Boebert, an early and energetic "Let's Go Brandon" adapter, as well as a new one for Williams that is even more descriptive than the one to which he's become so attached.

Jared "COVID-19 Is Over and You Can't Convince Me Otherwise" Polis
Governor Jared Polis first declared the health emergency related to COVID-19 to be a thing of the past in July 2021, then did so again in February, shortly after launching a reelection campaign whose slogan might as well have been "Virus? What virus?"

Michael "Crime Is Bad for Business" Hancock
Denver's mayor will convince everyone that downtown is safe even if he has to order the Denver Police to arrest everyone at Union Station with even slightly dilated pupils.

Mike "Aurora Isn't as Big a Shit Show as It Seems" Coffman
The fact that the Aurora Police Department was put under a consent decree by the Colorado Attorney General for a pattern of racial bias and the police chief trying to reform the system was fired shouldn't raise any eyebrows. Really.

Michael "I'm Not Nearly as Boring as I Seem" Bennet
Nothing says "scintillating personality" like a nickname insisting that the Senator in question has a scintillating personality.

John "Why the Hell Did I Ever Want This Job?" Hickenlooper
Hick expressed little interest in being a U.S. senator before being talked into running for the gig, and given the state of the chamber these days, second thoughts would definitely be understandable.

Diana "You'll Never Get Me Out of Here" DeGette
The politician with one of the safest seats in the U.S. Congress isn't going anywhere.

Doug "Don't You Try to Out-Conservative Me, Dave Williams" Lamborn
The man who once said being associated with Barack Obama was like touching a tar baby must wonder how on earth anyone is attacking him from the right.

Jena "I've Never Seen a Camera I Didn't Love" Griswold
Griswold absolutely adores appearing on national news programs. If the Williams suit gets traction on the network level, she'll owe him a big thank you.

Lauren "Donald Trump Is My Cheat One-Night Stand" Boebert
A nickname that paints a picture. A really disgusting picture.

Dave "Fuck Joe Biden" Williams
That's the basic translation of "Let's Go Brandon." So don't half-ass it, Dave. Go all the way!

Click to read Dave "Let's Go Brandon" Williams v. Jena Griswold.
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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts