Pitchers and catchers reported this week. You know what that means, right? Yeah, probably nothing. We're not going to get our hopes up here. I mean, aside from our new skipper, Walt Weiss, a beloved former Rockies shortstop, there's really no reason to believe this season will be any less agonizing than last year. Who knows, though? Maybe Weiss and company will actually give us something to cheer for. We'll see. Time will tell.
In the meantime, let's occupy ourselves with more pressing matters, shall we, like, say, figuring out what the walk-on music for a certain recently-arrested first baseman should be this year. Given Todd Helton's noted proclivity for country music -- last season, his song was "Springsteen" by Eric Church, and the year before that, it was the now ironic "My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean with the line, "Well if you wanna drink/Go on baby, just do your thing/But give up your keys" -- whatever tune he picks, you can bet it will have some twang. Keep reading for our suggestions.
10. "Red Solo Cup" - Toby Keith Okay, so there's about zero chance of Helton ever picking this one. It's an ode to a crimson colored plastic cup, for chrissakes. Still, considering his vessel of choice is reportedly an Igloo cup, this song is perfect, y'all. Sample lyrics: "Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle for barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals/And you, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinking from glass." In the words of Atmosphere, when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.
9. "Alcohol" - Brad Paisley This one couldn't be any more obvious, really. It explains everything. The devil made me do it -- isn't that the old saying? In this case, though, it wasn't the Old Scratch pulling the strings but rather that demon alcohol. If there were just one word that could help Helton explain away his alleged foibles, that word is alcohol. "I can make anybody pretty/I can make you believe any lie/I can make you pick a fight/With somebody twice your size." Been there. Have a T-shirt. I mean, who among us hasn't tied one on before and done brainless shit of epic proportions that we summarily regretted in the sober light of morning? Uh-huh. Precisely. Alcohol.
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8. "Drink in My Hand" - Eric Church "I got a forty hour week worth of trouble to drown/No need to complicate it/I'm a simple man/All you gotta do is put a drink in my hand." Hear, hear. Again, we can relate -- well, except for perhaps the whole being tanked and driving over a median part, anyway. Regardless, we all know what it's like to want to blow off some steam and forget about our problems, and the best way to do that, at least until the buzz wears off, is to put a drink in your hand. Nothing wrong with that -- so long as you're putting the keys in somebody else's hands next time, that is.
7. "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" - Alan Jackson Plenty of people are angry with Helton, but many more were simply baffled by the fact that he was reportedly getting loaded on a Tuesday night. While it's highly doubtful that he'd be even remotely be defiant about this whole incident, we have to think that there's at least a good segment of the beer-guzzling fans in the stands who could relate to the sentiment of this song, especially as they're tossing back a few cold ones themselves in the middle of the work day: "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere."
6. "Take My Drunk Ass Home" - Luke Bryan Title of this one pretty much sums it up. After running down a list of reasons it's time to pull the plug on the evening, from sucker punching his best friend to losing his keys in the parking lot, the fella in this song, drunk as he is, has the wherewithal to know when it's time to say when, but more to the point, at the end of the song, he has the good sense to say, "Oh, somebody call me a cab, please."
5. "Jesus, Take the Wheel" - Carrie Underwood Who knows if Helton really has a drinking problem or if he just made a critical error in judgment. That's anybody's guess. If he does, however, they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and somewhere within all that is a coming to Jesus moment that involves finding the good Lord -- and handing him the keys to your truck, apparently.
4. "The Good Stuff" - Kenny Chesney Although this song opens up in with a dude in a bar chopping it up with a grizzled old bartender, next thing you know, it turns into an uplifting Lifetime movie, with the old barkeep, a recovering imbiber himself, who evidently spent five years in a bottle, doling out some sage, AA-worthy wisdom. When the dude asks for the "good stuff," the old guy tells him, 'You can't find that here.'" As the two commiserate over a glass of milk, the overarching message becomes obvious: Reach for the moo juice next time, instead of the loudmouth soup. Good stuff, indeed, eh?
3. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift Okay, this may be the most genius tune of the bunch. It works on so many levels. First, taking a page out of Tulo's book, this song will instantly appeal to kids, which will go a long way towards rehabbing Helton's image. At the same time, it creates a great diversion, essentially throwing everybody a curve, taking the attention away from his recent alleged indiscretion. Every one will be too busy debating the merits of this choice to bother with this whole Chewgate scandal. And finally, the song can also serve as an unspoken metaphor of sorts symbolizing a newfound commitment to sobriety. See? Genius.
2. "If You're Going Through Hell" - Rodney Atkins Country music's stock in trade is the classic double entendre, and the main refrain for this song provides a textbook example: "If you're going through hell, keep on going/Don't slow down." Sage advice, not to mention, Helton can probably relate to the opening lines right about now, "Well you know those times when you feel like there's a sign there on your back/Says I don't mind if ya kick me/Seems like everybody has."
1. "Better Than I Used to Be (Ain't No Angel)" - Tim McGraw If Helton's feeling earnest about this whole situation, this is another self-empowerment-styled anthem about making peace with your mistakes and moving on. "I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke/You ain't gotta dig too deep if you wanna find some dirt on me/I'm learning who you've been, ain't who you've got to be." Just because Helton appears to be the type of guy to climb in a truck and drive completely shitcanned to the convenience store in the middle of the night for a can of chew and some lottery tickets, doesn't mean that's who he has to be.
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