They can't love you back: 15 love songs about inanimate objects
It's Valentine's Day, which means the entire Internet is abuzz with songs about love -- or, if people are feeling particularly sad, songs about hate. But what about those who prefer to spread their affection to other things, like inanimate objects? Well, there are plenty of those songs, too. If you'd prefer to highlight your adoration for the non-living, we've got you covered today. Remember: It's only a crime if you get caught.
15. Ernie - "Rubber Ducky"
Probably the most recognized and classic love song about an inanimate object, this song sets the precedent from a very early age that you don't need other people to have fun.
14. Danni Minogue - "Vibe On"
It's kind of creepy how many similarities between "Vibe On" and "Rubber Ducky" there are. Who needs a rubber ducky, though, when you have a vibrator? Just remember to change up from fast to slow, so you can get the frequency you like.
13. Belle & Sebastian - "I Love My Car"
There were hundreds of thousands of love songs about cars to choose from here, but we decided to go with this Belle & Sebastian ditty, because it's so goddamn adorable, it's impossible not to love.
12. Roxy Music - "In Every Dream Home a Heartache"
Not only is this one of our favorite Roxy Music songs, it's also a song primarily about a man's love of an inflatable doll. And it features one of the greatest lyrics in rock history: "I blew up your body/but you blew my mind."
11. Black Sabbath - "Sweet Leaf"
Uh, it's a love song about weed. Do we really need to say any more? It's not the only one on the list, either.
10. Alice Cooper - "I Love the Dead"
Alice Cooper doesn't give a shit if you're alive or dead, but he'll love you a hell of a lot more if you're dead, which is about as inanimate as you can get. How the hell did he even get away with releasing this song?
9. Daniel Johnston - "Speeding Motorcycle"
Clearly, this song is an ode to a, uh, speeding motorcycle. We're just glad Daniel Johnston has something that'll always be by his side.
8. Donovan - "I Love My Shirt"
There is probably nobody else on the planet that could pull off a song about loving a shirt, shoes and jeans, but Donovan does so with such conviction that it's impossible not to worry about your favorite shirt, hanging all by itself in the closet.
7. Magnetic Fields - "Acoustic Guitar"
It's certainly not the only song around that's an ode to a guitar, but it's one of our favorites because it also happens to be one of the strangest.
6. Jonathan Coulton - "A Laptop Like You"
Look, we all love our laptops, but who would have thought a love song about one would have the tenderness of a traditional song? Kudos to Coulton for nearly hiding the true meaning of the song here.
5. Run DMC - "My Adidas"
There is no other song that expresses its love of a particular brand of sneakers as much as Run DMC's "My Adidas." If you're lonely and bored on Valentine's Day, remember this: You'll have a pair you can wear when you're playing ball, with a heel inside that'll make you ten feet tall.
4. Guided by Voices - "My Valuable Hunting Knife"
If you're hanging out all by yourself this holiday with just your underwear and your hunting knife, then this song is for you. You can start a new life together and talk to all of your friends about your new love interest.
3. Beatles - "Got to Get You Into My Life"
We're in Colorado, so we have to have at least two songs about weed on this list. While there were plenty to choose from, this Beatles tune seems to fit the mold better than any other, especially because it's probably used as a regular old love song more often than not.
2. Ghostface Killah - "The Sun"
There are a lot of songs about the sun, but there are no other tracks in the history of music that show their adoration of the sun in such a convincing way. We'd have to agree: The sun is pretty damn awesome.
1. Harry Nilsson - "Good Old Desk"
Sure, people like to assume this song is about God, but we're not really interested in reading into things. So as far as we're concerned, this is a song about one of our favorite things: desks. Without them, all of our shit would be taking up space on the floor.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.