What your favorite lunchmeats say about you

Your bologna has a first name, and a second name. This is common knowledge. But it also has an opinion about you -- one that it shares with the rest of the world, freely and without reservation. And bologna isn't the only lunchmeat that does this. They all do it...

By Teague Bohlen

January 26, 2010

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Your bologna has a first name, and a second name. This is common knowledge. But it also has an opinion about you -- one that it shares with the rest of the world, freely and without reservation.

And bologna isn't the only lunchmeat that does this. They all do it. Your choice of sandwich meat speaks volumes. And it behooves you to know exactly what exactly it's saying.

1. Bologna "I aspire to someday have my picture taken beside the Weinermobile." 2. Boiled Ham "No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark." 3. Roasted Turkey "Give me a sandwich that tastes like November." 4. Pastrami "There's nothing wrong with gluttony -- there are still six other deadly sins I'm not doing, right? OK, five. But still ..." 5. Olive Loaf "When I look at my lunch, I want that sucker to be looking right back at me." 6. Salami "I'd rather be eating pizza." 7. Roast Beef "I'm thinking Arby's ... and that I'll probably die at 50." 8. Liverwurst "I was born during the Depression, back when we had to convince ourselves that crap like this tasted good." 9. Meatloaf "That's right, meatloaf twice within 18 hours. Jealous?" 10. Head Cheese "I will eat anything. I mean it. Literally anything."

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.

Contact: Teague Bohlen