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What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, March 7-13

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The season of Catholic holidays re-appropriated as excuses to paint your face and get hammered is upon us! Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday for you non-French speakers. But we say leave the Gras to the French -- what do we need that for when we've got Middle Name Pride day and Worship of Tools day to anticipate this week?

Tomorrow is also International Women's Day, which was officially started by the U.N. and unofficially started by socialists. And for all we know, it probably wasn't even born in Hawaii. Just show us the birth certificate. You can't. Because there isn't one. Glenn Beck told us so.

Wednesday is Panic Day, which will be reverently celebrated by Mardi Gras revelers who wake up without their wallets, pants, or both. The rest of us will just be gearing up for Middle Name Pride day, where we'll just point and laugh at our mom, who actually does not have a middle name. Then we'll thank her for giving us ours with flowers.

Friday is Johnny Appleseed Day, which we recommend you celebrate by skipping down your block chucking trail mix in people's front lawns. It's 2011 -- no one should have to wait for a tree to grow from a seed in order to get a healthy snack. It's also Worship of Tools Day according to one of our holiday listings web sites. We bring your attention to this particular site because next to the name of the holiday, it says "guys, you can relate." Not only do we find this against the spirit of International Women's Day, the glow of which we will still be basking in at this point, but also we do not relate.

On Saturday, when most of the country will start celebrating St. Patrick's Day, we'll be taking the time to observe Girl Scouts Day by eating an entire box of Thin Mints in one sitting. And on Sunday, we will celebrate Ear Muff Day, even though it is supposed to be sunny and in the mid-60s here in Denver. Nothing gets in the way of our holidays.

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.