You suck! Acerbic mouthpiece Anthony Bourdain lambastes his fellow food colleagues

Ah, to be Anthony Bourdain. To get paid to travel the world; to get paid to eat and drink in some of the most exotic cities imaginable; to get paid to curse and guzzle whiskey while mingling with commonfolk who long for your lifestyle; to get paid to talk shit about everyone in your industry and still get away with admitting that you enjoy Popeye's macaroni and cheese when you're hammered. Must be a rough fucking life.

In honor of His Mouthiness, we've complied a list of the top five harshest insults that have been hurled by Mr. Bourdain:

5. Paula Deen is chubby: "I like her Southern-based shows, but I don't know if I want to see her in a muumuu cooking a Hawaiian luau. That makes the blood run cold."

No points for originality here, Tony. And honestly, would anyone trust the Queen of Southern Cooking if she wasn't a little plump? It's like having faith in a bald man trying to pitch a box of Rogaine.

4. Gordon Ramsey is a sellout: "I love [Gordon Ramsay]'s restaurants. I like him. I wish him well. If having to be a caricature of his former self is going to get him bazillions of dollars, then why not?"

So, you're knocking Gordon for ditching the grunt work in the kitchen to become a celebrity? Um, what's that phrase about the pot and the kettle and black?

3. Sandra Lee is a hack: "Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing, can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What's the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see."

Awesome. Just brilliant. And yes, you have a point. It is bad. But bad in the way that McGriddles are bad, the way that Tasty Kakes are bad, the way that Popeye's macaroni and cheese is bad. Gotcha.

2. Alice Waters is a communist: "Alice Waters annoys the living shit out of me. We're all in the middle of a recession, like we're all going to start buying expensive organic food and running to the green market. There's something very Khmer Rouge about Alice Waters that has become unrealistic ... I'm suspicious of orthodoxy, the kind of orthodoxy when it comes to what you put in your mouth."

This seems particularly ironic given what Tony suggested about Sandra Lee, in addition to the fact that there's something about slamming Alice Waters that is just plain wrong. And comparing someone who shaped a food revolution to an extremist agricultural system that eventually caused a famine? That's beyond harsh.

1. Alan Richman is a... : "Alan Richman is not a douchebag. He's a cunt."

Whoa. Really? Really? Granted, reviewing Brasserie Les Halles solely to take a jab at Bourdain was awful, an inappropriate lashing that probably affected the business of Les Halles far more than Bourdain himself. But for Bourdain to retort with such a viscious, misogynistic rant made him the classless laughing stock, similar to what the sports world witnessed with Dan Gilbert's whiny, comic sans-scripted warning to Lebron last week. It was Richman who had the final word of this potshot: "I used to consider Bourdain the village idiot of the food community, but now I think he's much worse. He has become a two-bit demagogue with a poison mind who attacks people by resorting to falsehoods, obscenities and repugnant behavior."

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kate Kennedy
Contact: Kate Kennedy