I have a big head. And, no, I’m not talking about my inflated ego. I’m talking about my noggin. It’s the reason a guy behind me in a movie theater once shouted out, “Hey, Head, get out of the way.” It’s not just my head. It’s my body. It’s a big one. And when I’m at a concert, it’s bound to prevent somebody from seeing what they paid to see. I try to cower at the edges, slink toward the back, or slouch (rather ineffectively), but I’m sure I’m often in somebody’s way.
The show was supposed to take place at Red Rocks, an ideal place for short and tall people alike to enjoy a concert together. But snow forced AEG to move the acts to the 1STBANK Center, where everybody's height determines how much – or how little – they see.
Hoping to avoid harming other people’s experience, when I made my way toward the front of the room, I positioned myself behind someone just a little taller than me. One problem: He had a Bob’s Big Boy haircut. It was cute. It was hip. But it was also a needless obstruction. Sure, it wasn’t a Marge Simpson beehive, but it added a few inches to an already large guy and had me on my tiptoes trying to see Perfume Genius perform.
That experience got me thinking about all the hairdos and hats that have blocked my view at concerts and that would be advisable for people to never sport again – no matter how fashionable they are.
Of course, it's cute to look like Elvis, James Dean or Morrissey. And if what we want to be doing is oogling is you, wax that hair up and strut your stuff. But at a concert, comb that ’do down.
Howdy, partner. There's a reason that good manners used to involve cowboys taking their hats off when they came inside. While we appreciate your quest for Old West authenticity – especially at a country show – you're ten gallons too tall. Show some manners, and hang that sucker up.
Fedoras should have been a thing of the past. Sadly, they keep coming back, and there's nothing we can do about it. If you must wear one when you're going out, leave it in the car before the concert.
Sideways and Upturned Baseball Caps
It never ceases to amaze us how someone can take something as simple as a baseball cap and turn it into a first-rate obstruction. If you're prone to flipping up your hat's brim and propping it ever so slightly on your head when you're walking down the street, turn it down and stuff your head into it at a show. You can still cover your bald spot and allow everybody else to enjoy whatever's happening on stage.
All stripes of top hats should be banned from venues, the Abe Lincoln stovepipe and the Cat in the Hat type alike. The variety of top hat we find most flummoxing is the flopping American-flag hat people wear around the Fourth of July that prevents others from seeing not only the orchestras playing "God Bless America" on stage, but also the fireworks in the sky.
Mohawks have long been a favorite haircut in the punk community and then later in the Hot Topic poseur scene. These cuts can be utterly hazardous at a concert, and when people boasting them turn their head, it can be the concert-blocking equivalent of four to five top hats. Unless this is your indigenous cultural tradition, avoid being called a culture vulture and leave the style alone.
We know, we know: You're a mad genius, and you don't have to comb your hair. But for heaven's sake, consider taming it if you're standing in front of us. We promise a shampoo and a comb won't scare off your muse.
Headdresses are ceremonial, not streetwear. And it's not cute to be a white person playing Indian. So unless you're Native, ditch that costume immediately.
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