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Best Next Career for John Elway

Very Special Assistant Broncos Car Hiker

We really, really want John to do well at something. Anything, really. After all, he's our icon, our stainless hero. So it'd be nice to have him around for a while longer -- at least until someone better comes along. The problem is figuring out what, exactly, he's good at. He can't start a successful new business (see ya, MVP.com). He's not that good at interpersonal relationships (buh-bye, Janet). He's a better-than-average duffer, but nowhere near professional caliber. In fact, being a retired Elway is not unlike being a retired politician: Everything he's done before has prepared him for nothing after. Our advice? Stick to the two things you know and accept a high-level position with Broncos boss Pat Bowlen: special assistant in charge of acquiring team cars.

Best Next Career for Gary Barnett

Custodian of the primate house, Denver Zoo

Yes, yes, we know. Not all of the evidence has been collected and analyzed. The strippers have not laid their souls bare. The bills from the liquor store are still coming in. And the regents have not yet admitted that they, too, smoked a little dope in their undergraduate days. Nonetheless, the recruiting, rape and party scandal that has shaken the University of Colorado football program to its foundation has yielded one incontrovertible fact: Whether he was an enabler or not, whether he endorsed the late-night frolicking or he didn't, head football coach Gary Barnett made little effort to grasp what was going on or not going on with his players. And that makes him an ideal guy for a new career mopping out the monkey cages at the zoo. You know: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Best Next Career for Gary Barnett

Custodian of the primate house, Denver Zoo

Yes, yes, we know. Not all of the evidence has been collected and analyzed. The strippers have not laid their souls bare. The bills from the liquor store are still coming in. And the regents have not yet admitted that they, too, smoked a little dope in their undergraduate days. Nonetheless, the recruiting, rape and party scandal that has shaken the University of Colorado football program to its foundation has yielded one incontrovertible fact: Whether he was an enabler or not, whether he endorsed the late-night frolicking or he didn't, head football coach Gary Barnett made little effort to grasp what was going on or not going on with his players. And that makes him an ideal guy for a new career mopping out the monkey cages at the zoo. You know: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Best Sports Quote

Jay Leno

CU football's sex-and-recruiting mess has inspired many a wiseguy's raw humor, but the lantern-jawed host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno, nailed the thing cold on February 25 during his monologue. To wit: "Today the Taliban denounced the University of Colorado for its treatment of women."

Best Sports Quote

Jay Leno

CU football's sex-and-recruiting mess has inspired many a wiseguy's raw humor, but the lantern-jawed host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno, nailed the thing cold on February 25 during his monologue. To wit: "Today the Taliban denounced the University of Colorado for its treatment of women."

Best Trial in the Court of Public Opinion

Denver Nuggets v. Los Angeles Lakers, January 7, 2004

Say what you will about L.A. Lakers star Kobe Bryant and that scrape he got into last summer up at Cordillera. Everybody else does. Thousands of Denver Nuggets fans have apparently already reached a verdict in Kobe's rape case, and they aren't afraid to announce it from the cheap seats. When the Lakers visited the Pepsi Center for the first time this season, the Los Angeles hoopster was mercilessly booed and jeered every time he touched the ball, and whenever he stood at the foul line to shoot a free throw, the assembled multitudes chanted at him: "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" No one knows how the case will turn out, but for once, Denver won a game against the Lakers. Final score: 113-91.

Best Trial in the Court of Public Opinion

Denver Nuggets v. Los Angeles Lakers, January 7, 2004

Say what you will about L.A. Lakers star Kobe Bryant and that scrape he got into last summer up at Cordillera. Everybody else does. Thousands of Denver Nuggets fans have apparently already reached a verdict in Kobe's rape case, and they aren't afraid to announce it from the cheap seats. When the Lakers visited the Pepsi Center for the first time this season, the Los Angeles hoopster was mercilessly booed and jeered every time he touched the ball, and whenever he stood at the foul line to shoot a free throw, the assembled multitudes chanted at him: "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" No one knows how the case will turn out, but for once, Denver won a game against the Lakers. Final score: 113-91.

Best Plea for Acquittal

Kobe Bryant

It's impossible to know if he was motivated by sincerity, self-interest or an undeniable urge to expand his social life at high altitude, but when embattled L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant was asked in mid-February what teams he might consider signing with should he exercise his options next year as a free agent, the name "Denver Nuggets" immediately sprang to his lips. Really. Truly. Wonder if Stan Kroenke would throw in a furnished condo west of Vail and the phone numbers of some unattached chambermaids?

Best Plea for Acquittal

Kobe Bryant

It's impossible to know if he was motivated by sincerity, self-interest or an undeniable urge to expand his social life at high altitude, but when embattled L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant was asked in mid-February what teams he might consider signing with should he exercise his options next year as a free agent, the name "Denver Nuggets" immediately sprang to his lips. Really. Truly. Wonder if Stan Kroenke would throw in a furnished condo west of Vail and the phone numbers of some unattached chambermaids?

Best Nugget

Carmelo Anthony

The drama of the Denver Nuggets' sudden rise from the doldrums of incompetence to the heights of playoff contention features rookie sensation Carmelo Anthony as its leading man. After just one glory year at Syracuse (the underdog Orangemen won the NCAA championship), the 6' 8", 220-pound small forward opted for the pros. Now, not only are the hapless Nuggets delighted with their number-three draft pick, but they're counting on him to revivify a franchise that has long been a bad joke. With twenty-something points per game and six-plus rebounds, Anthony compares favorably with the NBA's other star rookie, Cleveland guard LeBron James, and the debate about which team got the better prospect is likely to rage for years. For now, though, light and hope have returned to Nuggetville, and Melo is the smiling, gifted nineteen-year-old who made much of it happen. If that's not sweet enough for you, he's also added his own candy bar, the Melo, to the local scene.

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